Some of you may remember from my last posts oh, so long ago, that I have been tentatively dipping my toe into the (cess)pool of Online Dating. I gave Match.com a 3 month trial, during which time I was…less than successful. In the spirit of fairness (or more accurately, insanity), I am now giving Zoosk a 3 month run for my money.

So far, it too has not quite been living up to my expectations – those being to meet someone of the opposite sex whose ultimate goal is NOT to kill me, have sex with me on the first date, or look better than me in a dress. What it does provide, however, is most excellent blog fodder. In fact, this shit writes itself.

The first of my Zoosk misadventures will probably make the most sense (and believe me, I use that term loosely) if you first read the profile that I have posted myself. It is purposely flippant. I tell them right up front that I AM NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. Here it is:

My Story

I find it hard to take this whole process seriously, because while I can be serious when I have to, that’s not how I am most of the time. So on that note, here are a few irrelevant things about me:

1) I am a blonde, left-handed Capricorn. I’ll leave you to do the math on that one.
2) Despite being left-handed, I cannot, under any circumstances, use scissors with my left hand. The last time I tried, I literally cut my own finger.
3) I play the flute, piccolo and piano, but I have NEVER been to band camp. Can you imagine what that would do to the silver finish on my flute?
4) When I was in kindergarten, I took a chicken heart to school for show and tell.
5) I was only in kindergarten for a few weeks before they moved me to the first grade. (They tell me that it was because I could already read, but I suspect I may have frightened the teacher just a little.)
6) I bake AWESOME home-made chocolate chip cookies. None of that pre-made tube dough crap here.

Perfect Match

I find that the older I get, the lower my standards become. Here’s just a brief wishlist of things I’d like in a mate:
1) opposable thumbs
2) a job
3) the ability to read, write, and spell, but I’m willing to settle for a non-speller who uses spell-check religiously
4) you should have at least 98% of your original teeth (or at the very least, any prosthetics that you may have should have been produced and inserted by a board-certified dentist)
5) here are the two serious requests on my list: I would very much like someone who is at least as tall as, or a little bit taller than me and I would prefer a non-smoker. Sorry, guys, I can’t help what I like.

I guess I’ll be serious for just a minute longer (see, I said I could do it) – intelligence, a quick wit and a nice smile will get me every time…

Ideal Date

I’m open to suggestion, so long as it doesn’t end with my body being found in a shallow grave in the woods a few weeks after our date.

So…Bachelor #1 is a 55 year old man (yes, I said FIFTY-FIVE) hailing from somewhere in Carroll County. He caught me one morning just as I was logging off to finish getting ready for work.

Him: Hello Jenny, I say that in my best Forrest Gump imitation… lol Could you talk to me for a few moments?

Him: I oved your profile, witty , cute and actually pretty neatly done, I could give you my list too, ol Seria body maker is not on it! lol

Him: I stil ahve all my hair and I can still bite a dog back, I an also left handed so that is pretty kool. I hope you don’t mind thatI was a bit rough with my profile as I was tired of not realy meeting anyone here who would reay converse with each other

Has anyone noticed that I have not said a word to him yet in response?

Him: wow I’m not doing so wel on the spelling as my key board has issues, I’m sorry for that

Ok, I just can’t let that one go by…

Me: Ah that’s right, blame the keyboard. I’m sorry, but I’m just logging off – I have to be at work in half an hour.

Him: okay could we chat later?

Me: (grudgingly) sure

Him: I would love to tak with you,

Him: talk

Him: have a great day

Me: Thanks, you too.

<At this point, I have logged off and gone to work…3 hours later, while I am still offline, the IMs start pouring in…>

Him: I would like to tell you a little more about me than what’s on my profile, When I was reading your, I seemed to find a lot of clicks, I thought You seem a lot like me in many ways,

<uh…really??? Do tell…>

Him: I was born the last of four so I am the baby ad was treated as such which gives me my mean front, lol being treated like a doll by my three older sisters had that effect, I am Scotch Irish so I do get me dander up once in a whilem but it is brief and usually harmless to iving creatures like people and pets, I will take it out on a chair or other inanimate object so I can have realease or I wil wander off and fuss ti it’s out of my system , My utimate thought is never to harm another unless they are threating my very being. so not to worry abotut shallow graves, lol I am also lefty but I can use either hand equally and sometime do both at the same time, lol I am very coordinated and very talented or so I’m told. If you’l notice every now and gain therres an L missing or a t as they tend to stick or miss or something, I’m gonna have that fixed soon through my friend the techy guy. lol In the meantime I do blame my keyboard for the mistakes I make. pretty ironic I think. As you may have guessed by now I can wirte and I am eating as I write this so I can do teo things at the same time. You aso indicated a sharp wit, wel I am known pecifically for my sharp wit and very quick on the draw, so peope are leary of me most of the time, but once again I’m harmess, just a sharp tongue when necessary!

<Um..that is NOT why people are leery of you…believe me.>

Him: I am a scorpio as if that matters, I have never realy found that chart helpfu and it may havee evn affected my earier attempts at dating because they woufd thing , oh no, scorpio and didn’t evenb give me a chance, I;m on the cusp as it were so almost a Saggi. You can pay several intruments, and no band camp? impressive I pay the kazoo and I’m working on getting some of those trash can lifd drums I think they ca them pan drums, I woud ove to hear you pay sometime as I am an entertainer by trade and ove all sorts of fine arts. Piano s also a great skil I can pick notes out by ear but not to play chords, lol You try to put on as a ditz, but I firmly believe there ies a quite quick person beyond the exterior. I had a 190 IQ back in the days of schoolut played the bafoon always case I knew that if I let on I was intelligent , people woud ine up to take advantage of me.kind of ike the school bully , tere’s always someone wanting to challenge it… not fun.

<I play the ditz? Oh good idea…win the girl by insulting her!>

Him: I never took to school for show and tel but I was told by my mother that when I was about 3 or 4 my beoved cat died and I watched them bury in a near by fiield They tod me the very next week or two I brought home the remains of the kitty saying something was wrong with him and he had snaggly teefers and he stinked… lol My mother used to tell me that in hysterics. So they were skeptical of my person too, I was also in First grrade twice since they dfelt I wasn

<For crying out loud, my mother was cooking a chicken for dinner, showed me the heart, and I thought it was cool…I didn’t use my tinker toys to carve it, still beating, out of a live animal…>

Him: wasn’t keeping up with the other kids , but I had a world of my own kids that I played with frequently in my own chosen cahracters with each their own voice , so I spent a ot of time in the psyche nurse office but they figured it out that I nevr ost control of those individuals they though had possessed me, lol just that cute ittle story ed to adulthood with my mother introducing me to friends as her son with mutiple personalities, I was real hit at socia events , al eyes on me to see if I woud change people midstream, lolSo I turned them characters into rea people through my make up and thaetrics, and became a cown and entertainer at large. It stils works, I remember teling mom after my first bunde of check that I was the best paid nut I knew, and of course al the others inside me agreed.

<I want to beat him and all of his personalities to death with the letter L.>

Him: I’ll admit up front that I’m not much of a reader and I am not a prince charming, though you didn’t ask for one, and I have my flaws which I beieve to be human flaws. Perhaps we can blame them on the other individuals inside too… I came from a broken family with realy disassociated parents but I think I turned out well I have et to question and answer myself and I am good in a crowd, generaly because I’m usualy at the center of it. Hmm what else is ther tos say to give you insight to me. I hope this is enough for a good appetizer and we can become friends at east, it seems e have a lot in common , more than we know. Loved the stories you said about yoursef and you are quite prety which is aways a plus. You have great features and the bondness doesn’t bother me as I was bonde as a chid and my hair is sowy going back to that now that I haven’t dyed it for a year or so. I am amost a strwaberry bonde now and my hair ightens every week, scary, at east it hasn’t gonee totally white yet! I have a few streamers here and there that are silver toned and in my mustache and beard of course it is real visual. I hope you don’t mind the beard some women are, I use it for a lot of my characters in the year shaving it off only when I need a clean face figure..I even look the part of the Leprechaun I play. You shod see me in my green stuff and hat, awesome! Well I will check back tonight to see if you responnded at al , te me ehat you think of al the info I gave you this far and you can tell I’m being pretty up front here. My best to you for a great evening after work.

There’s a fine line between “being pretty up front” and “OMG TMI!” buddy, and you left it in the dust shortly after “have a great day”.

If this is what I have to look forward to in the dating world, I am seriously considering having IT sewn shut. Tune in tomorrow for my next blog, The Top 10 Things A Guy Should NEVER Say To A Woman He Hopes One Day To Date. Oh wait. It’s already been written. See above.