As part of my never-ending quest to find Mr. Right (or at the very least, Mr. Doesn’t Make Me Wanna Gouge Out My Own Eyes With a Plastic Fork), I seem to be on a quest to dip my toes into every cesspool of a dating site I can find on the internet. My latest foray is into the hell on earth that is OkCupid.

So far, the only redeeming qualities this site seems to have are that 1) it’s free and 2) it seems to be chock full of blog material. I’ve only been on it for a little over a week, and so far I’ve had a date with an a-hole, a marriage proposal from a guy in Florida, and a virtual run-in with someone who I will call Super Douche. He’s the one I want to tell you about first.

I was browsing the profiles yesterday afternoon while eating my lunch, when I came across Mr. Douche. OkCupid rates your compatibility with your matches, and Super Douche and I were only rated as a 10% match. I read his profile and didn’t see anything too awful there. He’s a pianist, which I liked, having a musical background myself, so I wondered whether there is actually anything to their scoring system or not. The only thing that gave me pause were his pictures. There were 3, all shirtless. The main photo was of him, shirtless, wielding an ax. Yes, an ax.

Am I the only one who sees the humor in this?

I decided that if nothing else, I would share the chuckle that his picture gave me, so I sent him a message. Here is the mayhem that ensued, copied and pasted, word-for-word:

Me: I wonder why we’re only a 10% match…maybe it’s because of the ax…lol

Super Douche (who for simplicity’s sake will from now on be referred to as “SD”): I would not rely on some mindless computer-generated so-called “match” as an indication of anything. You are giving it too much credence.

Me (ooook…lighten up, dude!): I actually don’t give it any weight at all. It was a joke about the fact that you’re holding an ax.

SD: An axe which I was using to chop wood – great exercise.

Me: Yes, I get that. Which is why it was a joke. Surely you can see the humor in using a photo like that on a dating site, where there’s no real way of knowing whether the person behind the profile is a nice guy or girl, or a serial killer. Anyway..sorry if I bothered you.

And here’s where it all starts to go downhill, folks…

SD: I understand that it was a joke, and I am aware of the fact that there is no way to determine the inner nature of anybody based on a photo. I also know that the instance of serial killers on dating websites, or anywhere for that matter, is statistically insignificant.

SD: I also do not think that using that particular photo is humorous, since I have received many compliments about it, and since it accurately depicts my physical appearance.

It’s lucky for him his photo is getting compliments, because I’m pretty sure his pissy-assed attitude isn’t!

Me: Ok, I think I figured out where that 10% comes in to play. Have a great night, and best of luck to you.

And that, my friends is called “waving a red flag in front of a bull”.

SD: I don’t need you to wish me luck, idiot. I find you rude and obnoxious. Feel free to compose a witless response. I have already blocked your sorry fat ass. Don’t think that just because you see that a message was sent on this webiste, that it was sent. Over and out.

Yet I’m the one who is rude and obnoxious? 

SD: Good luck going easy on those cookies, fatty.

Me: What a sweetheart. You’ll have no trouble finding a date.

Obviously it’s still bouncing around in that uptight, humorless, neanderthal brain of his, because 9 minutes later:

SD: I thought you attached no weight to matches, moron.

Me: Let it go and move on already. There’s no need to act like an asshole. You’re not interested, I’m not interested, the end. Geez.

Just in case anyone would like to send a message to Mr. Prince Among Men – because I’m sure he’s available, and not at all selfish in bed – his OkCupid screen name is novapianoman. I’m sure his sense of humor will improve once they remove the massive stick from up his ass.

Some days I don’t know why I even bother. I know the guy I want is *not* on this site. I guess it all goes back to my earlier list…1) it’s free and 2) great blog material. As a friend of mine said to me not too long ago, “You just can’t make this stuff up.”

Next time I’ll tell you about the a-hole and the marriage proposal. Laters!

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